zig zag

errantgods:

& I don’t mean to blaspheme a god
I don’t quite believe in & don’t think I
trust
but I’m pretty sure he / she / they /
Whatever
made some kind of mistake.
which, I don’t blame Whatever, because,
time is crazy & I have watches & clocks
ticking & blinking away wherever I look,
so
imagine–imagine–
being immortal almighty
& trying to construct billions of
people’s frantic day-to-day lives.
(I tried to write a novel once;
the first things you know
are the panic, the confusion, the
exhilaration, & everything else is less.)
anyway,
what I’m trying to say is
I don’t know. & I don’t understand. &
there isn’t enough time. & time isn’t real.
because
it feels like I spend most of my life
inhaling, gathering up the fractured
aftermath of my life gone supernova in
one heavy breath that never fills me
enough to gather all my thoughts into
one coherent human being
(forever, whenever, never).
because at the same time
it feels like pieces my soul are splintering off,
flying, screaming, laughing off into the
I don’t know like they know something
the rest of me doesn’t yet (anymore).
because
sometimes the keening wanting
something
in my chest trips in reverse,
screeches /  whines / chokes into
something desperate & very much like
teenage laughter.